I’ve been having a right old Cockney time of it, eating eels by the bucket load, wearing gore blimey trousers and of course, living in a council flat.
I’m joking of course.
It had to happen, obviously.
On my way down to Gospel Oak the other day, I did pass fat tongued TV loudmouth chef Jamie Oliver. He was sitting outside a pub wearing a purple V-neck sweater. He only had one mate, unlike on the telly where he’s got loads. It just goes to show what they can do with trick photography.
I’m joking of course.
I also saw teetotal posh actor Tom Conti outside Tesco’s. He wasn’t as good outside Tesco’s as he is in the films. He was rubbish, and I would have told him so if I’d been able to remember who he was at the time. I feel he’s let us all down.
I’m joking of course.
I went down to Sondel Sport at Highbury Corner to buy some new scooter clobber, as all of my helmets and jackets got pinched by the little cunts who burgled my garage. Very helpful fella in there. I bought myself a proper dapper new coat and gloves, but couldn’t get my hands on a helmet (Mrs!) that I was happy with. Today I made the journey up to Aigus Scooters on the Edgware Road, it’s a shop I’ve seen many times as I have passed by, but I’ve never had the chance to stop and look in. It was an absolute delight. Claiming to be London’s oldest scooter shop, it’s everything you want if scooters are your bag, baby. The staff were spot on, friendly, helpful, knowledgeable and happy to be doing business with me. The miserable Cockney bastards.
I’m joking of course.
I’m filming tomorrow with a crew who are making a documentary about me. I’d never met the filmmaker, Daisy, she just happened to bump into me at the Head of Steam in Newcastle a few months back. I told her it was the 30th anniversary of Viz Comic coming up, and that I was now working as a stand-up comedian. She suggested that a film about my career change might make a good piece for the project she has to put together as part of her studies. She is coming down to Up the Creek in Greenwich on Sunday night to film me as Barry Twyford. Hope it all works out well for her.
I’ve also been filming with genuine real-life nutty Professor Colin Pillinger. More on that later.
I’ve been putting more and more notes together for my autobiography, and I’m now using speech recognition technology to write. It really is quite amazing, it’s like being Captain Kirk only without the half-mast trousers and plywood acting. Every day I seem to remember something that I can’t believe I haven’t already put down in writing. I guess a lot of stuff happens in 45 years. I only hope I can make a good book of it. I hope the fact it’s been making me laugh as much as it has is a good sign… fingers crossed.
S